The past couple of months, I’ve been in a funk. I’ve felt like nothing has gone the way I thought it should, people have continually disappointed me, and I have fallen into a dark pit. None of the events were earth shattering, especially compared to the past 18 months of my life. None the less, I felt myself fall into a darkness and I wasn’t able to pull myself out. I wasn’t able to remind myself that God always has a plan or remind myself of how blessed I am. I tried to tell myself all the truths that I know, but they didn’t help. For the first time in my life, I was sinking with no way out.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandma lately. I miss her so much. When life wasn’t fair, I would call her and she would listen and then agree with me that I was right. Who knows if she really thought I was right but she was always on my side. So many days I went to call her and then realized, there are no phone calls in heaven.
Almost two weeks ago, the kids and I came home from work. I was reminding each kid what they needed to do when we got home. When we pulled into the driveway, our cleaning lady’s car was still there (Sidenote: When I married Blake he had a cleaning lady so I felt there was no reason to ever get rid of her.) We adjusted our after school chores to accommodate her finishing up and got to work on our after school “stuff”. After she left, I walked into the kitchen and noticed a couple things she had found while cleaning. There was a crazy picture Parker had colored and left somewhere and there was a Chick-Fil-A gift card. I don’t remember ever seeing that gift card before so it peaked my curiosity. The gift card that was sitting on the counter was from my grandma, in her handwriting. Some would say that my cleaning lady was doing her job, just picking up something we left laying around. I choose to believe that it was a little sign that she’s still in my corner, watching and cheering me on.
I usually jump into Spring Break with a to-do list a mile long and/or some big trip planned. This year has been different. We had a few things planned. Paige and I attended an awesome Piano Guys concert and all four of us spent the weekend in KC celebrating Paige’s upcoming birthday. Mostly, I let my heart and my brain relax. I didn’t let myself think about any of the negative things that have gotten me down. If I started to say something about it or think about it, I would physically just stop myself. I read several really good books. I walked all over town with my kiddos. I ate good food. Through the relaxing quality time I’ve spent with my kids and Blake, I feel like I’m healing. I’ve got a long way to go, but I can see the light.
I’ve got a long way to go, but I can see the light.